How to train your teen!

Want to train your teen?

Ever wondered why your teens don’t understand you … and visa versa?

Something I hear a lot of from parents is how their kids, typically teens seem to not be able to communicate with them or be understood by them.

There are a number of reasons why parents and teens seemingly disconnect at certain times of their lives.  A lot of it comes down to what I sometimes refer to as the ‘I’, ‘WE’, ‘THEY’ phases of life.  I talked more in-depth on this in my recent blog post:
http://biggerbrighterbolder.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/it-pays-to-keep-up.html

In this post, I’ll specifically cover how these ‘phases’ of life affect the understanding and communication between parents and teens.

A quick overview of the I, WE, THEY phases I refer to follows…

i) We are born into an ‘I’ phase of life where everything is about the ‘I’. Nature intended this for the survival of the new born ‘I’ and don’t they just know it ;)

ii) Eventually the ‘I’ will give into biology, partner up and have it’s own ‘I’ at which point it becomes a ‘WE’ and enters the WE phase of life.

iii) Once the new ‘I’ becomes a ‘WE’ of it’s own, it outgrows the need for the ‘WE’ that went before. At this point the old ‘WE’ is somewhat redundant and is called upon by nature, in my opinion, to evolve into a ‘THEY’ phase where they are focussed on the wider group.

My crudely drawn sketch below illustrates what I’m getting at.

 

For the purposes of this article I want to focus on the relationship between parents and teens, the ‘I’s and the ‘WE’s.  The teen is in an ‘I’ phase of life although biologically being pulled into a WE phase.  As an ‘I’ the teen is focussed on themselves (their own survival as nature sees it).  As they approach their own ‘WE’ phase they unconsciously start to prepare to survive on their own.  Inherent to this is a ‘know it all’ disposition because if they didn’t have certainty in their lives they would have to admit uncertainty and thus vulnerability.  Evolution loves certainty, the more certain an individual is the more direct and committed they can act and thus they ‘safer’ they are…in evolution terms.  It’s essential that when ‘going it alone’ and setting up home as a new ‘WE’ that the individual feels ‘safe’ doing so.  This often infuriates the parents and demonstrates itself as an inability in the teen to listen to them or take advice, no matter how well meant it might be.

One mistake the parent often makes at this time is failing to see the mix of the ‘I’ phase and the certainty of the early ‘WE’ phase in their teen as anything other than selfishness and rudeness or unwillingness to listen, etc. Another mistake is not recognising that they as parents are also in the process of transitioning from a ‘WE’, all about the family unit phase and a ‘THEY’, all about everyone phase and expecting their children to feel and be the same as them because they are ‘growing up’.  The parent unreasonably expects the teen to think about others, pull their own weight around the house, show consideration for others needs and whilst doing ALL this, remain a respectful, obedient child (younger ‘I’).  It’s an impossible ask and dare I say it an ‘unnatural’ request.  The teen simply does not have the biological ability to function that.  They can’t express themselves or exert themselves in a way the later ‘WE’/’THEY’ would want them to.

There is safety in the pack and humans are no different.  The aging community is not where the teens physical safety lies (and at a biological level that’s all that matters).  It lies with the younger tribe, the next generation and they are called upon (biologically) to bond in these new groups which have huge influence and importance over them.  This group, annoyingly to parents, is their friends, girl/boy friends, etc.  This is why you teen listens and cares more about what their friends think that you.  Sorry but it’s just ‘safer’ historically that way.

The teen is all about them as it should be with a transition going on to be a ‘THEY’ with their own partners, offspring and friends.  The parent is a ‘WE’ all about the offspring and family unit and are transitioning to a ‘THEY’, all about the world or wider tribe at large.

These misunderstanding in the life phases and transitions between the two means many misunderstanding, miscommunications and battles occur between the teen and their parents and to some extend the world at large.

It’s not the teen’s fault.  Neither is it the fault of the parent.  However, in my opinion, it is the responsibility of the parent to acknowledge and understand what’s going on and to make the efforts to bring about the changes needed in the relationship between their teen and themselves.  After all, all being what it should be they will have evolved beyond their teen and the onus always lies with the more evolved to bridge the gap in any exchange or interaction as they have more tools, experience and understanding…hopefully.

 

So, hopefully, this goes someway of highlighting your awareness of what’s going wrong in your relationship with your teens.  The above in no means justifies poor behaviour by the teen or negates the responsibility of the parent to continue to shape, educate and prepare the teen to their best abilities.  It also doesn’t mean that the teen shouldn’t have responsibilities outside of the specific phase they’re in.  The above simply outlines, what I understand, is biologically and chemically going in both sets of individuals based on the millions of years of evolution which has kept our species ‘safe’.  As anyone who’s ever heard me speak will testify, what makes us truly human is our ability to choose to act in spite of biological and chemical factors in our make up.  The task of the parent is to first understand and then to communicate with the teen at the phase they are at and not be surprised when they don’t understand more later phase thinking and behaviour.  Your teen does have the capacity to act in a less ‘I’ way and be a more ‘WE’ or ‘THEY’ person through choice but to simply tell them they ‘should’ or that they are ‘wrong’ is not likely to be the route there.

As a last note of optimism to all you parents out there.  I have had the pleasure of coaching many younger people and teens and can honestly say that none of them, despite how awful their relationship has been with their parents, has been a ‘bad person’ or without the ability to be a ‘better’ (whatever that means) person.  In fact the teens I’ve coached get this easier and make changes faster than many adults I’ve coached because they are more pliable, open and still learning who they are and what life is about.  Many adults and parents are not so flexible and as such adapt more slowly.  Often much slower than their teens when I’ve worked with both side.

The answer as always, is in understanding and communication at a level where everyone is understood.

There’s so much more I could say and in upcoming blogs, I’m sure I will.

Until then, good luck with your teen ;)

George.

biggerbrighterbolder.co.uk

It Pays to Keep Up...

In an ever-evolving life… it pays to keep up!

At various times throughout or lives we are called upon to change, to evolve, to transition.  When we become attuned to these ‘callings’ we soon realise when we are being challenged with the opportunity and need for change.  The harbingers of transitional times are typically a feeling of being lost, trapped or of life just not working.  It might represent itself as despair or just a mild ‘niggle’ that something’s not quite right.  The sense of despair is normally the result of ignoring the ‘niggles’ for a long time.  Despair is often followed by crises, which is the ultimate harbinger of change.  Needless to say that life is less dramatic and far less painful when we learn to thrust the ‘niggles’ and take the necessary actions to create the change our lives need us to.

Whilst there are many times in life when we create small or even moderate transitions there are as I’ve identified 3 key stages of life.  I represent these simply by identifying the key drivers in life at those specific stages.  These drivers can be represented by the motivation associated with these key phases.  They are, ‘I’, ‘WE’, and ‘THEY’.

The key stages of personal development and evolution are essential for the survival of the individual and the thriving of the entire human race.  I believe these are literally the corner stones of how we became what we are today.  They are the backbone to our survival and I’ll explain why.

The ‘I’ phase…

The ‘I’ phase of life is all about the ‘I’.  ‘I’ need….. ‘I’ want, etc.  This is the first stage of our development and whilst we often frown at the ‘I’ mentality or drivers it is essential for early survival.  The young need to survive for the species to survive and as such they are driven insatiably by their own needs, wants, desires and their importance above all others.  We need them to survive and this in-built first stage guarantees best results.  They need to look out for themselves.  They need to discover who they are and where they fit into their ‘tribe’ and the world at large.  Therefore this first stage of development is all about them, it’s all about the ‘I’.

The ‘WE’ phase….

So, the ‘I’s survive and it’s time for them to do their bit and keep the species going so they have an insatiable drive to procreate.  They do and the next generation of ‘I’s is born.  Now, if we were all ‘I’s they’d be carnage and chaos.  Once the new ‘I’ is born the previous ‘I’ is driven to protect the new ‘I’.  The most powerful way of protecting the new born ‘I’  is for the mother ‘I’ and the father ‘I’ to be more consumed with the new ‘I’ than themselves.  It’s also essential, ‘nature wise’ for the new ‘I’ to  have both mother and father ‘I’s put it, the new ‘I’ ahead of themselves and to put the unit of ‘I’s ahead of themselves.  They are now massively influenced be the ‘WE’ and the transition out of being an ‘I’ and into a ‘WE’ where the unit is more important than their own previous ‘I’.

The ‘THEY’ phase….

The ‘WE’ works brilliantly at protecting the new ‘I’s until the new ‘I’ is now ready to transition into becoming a ‘WE’.  At this point the ‘WE’s are no longer required by the ‘I’.  Fortunately there is somewhere for all the ‘WE’s to go; it’s called a ‘THEY’ phase.  This is the ultimate evolvement of man.  The ‘THEY’s are now motivated be the needs of the tribe at large.  This is where all the knowledge and understanding of being an ‘I’ and a ‘WE’ can be passed on to all the other ‘I’s, ‘WE’s and ‘THEY’s for the better safety and development of the species at large.  This final incarnation of human development is all about others, it’s all about what ‘THEY’ want and what ‘THEY’ need and how the ‘THEY’s can best help them.  This is the contribution phase of life and is what separates us from many other species on the planet and is just one reason we have transcended in becoming the dominant species on the planet.

So, if life were to be smooth and painless we would travel the journey effortless without resistance from an ‘I’ to a ‘THEY’ through ‘WE’. Rarely though, is it that easy.  There are a number of other natural forces working against this transition.   Whilst millions of years of evolution are driving these changes in the first place, the subconscious has pre-programmed safeguards in place.  Firstly there is the basic need to resist change.  As long as we are surviving, the subconscious is likely to resist change because it will accept what level of survival you have now over the possibility of a worse one.  Also, like any transition, there isn’t often a clear line drawn between the phases, so transitions take a period of time to happen and adjust to.  Each individual also has their own learnt behavioural habits which have been in place for many years leading up to one of these key changes and that learning is patterned into the subconscious.  Thirdly, not all external lives have developed to the point where the internal call for change is appropriate.  Maybe an ‘I’ isn’t in a place to produce the next generations of ‘I’s.  when the strong urge to become a ‘WE’ is kicking in.  In this instance, the internal motivators are working against the external realities and this causes discomfort.  The discomfort felt is just the internal system ‘leaning’ on the individual to create a need for action in order to facilitate the change.  Ancient/primitive man would have acted almost immediately on these internal triggers.  The strong release of chemicals would have driven us to procreate, etc.  Today, we have the blessing and the curse of personal choice.  We can override nature in this respect but unsurprisingly nature fights us back over it.

In short, we must transition; it’s essential for our wellbeing.  Evolution has designed this for us and unless you’re feeling like taking on a billion years of Mother Nature herself, you’re better off out of that fight.  The exact calling for transition will vary upon each person’s.

The key phases of transition are birth into the ‘I’ phase.  This typically takes a person biologically to the age of reproduction.  Historically this would have been through to early teens.  At this point the ‘I’ would have had their children and become a ‘WE’.  Once their children have their children and become ‘WE’s in their own right it’s time to transition to a ‘THEY’ motivated person and this might typically have been from mid twenties through till maybe their thirties.  Now these ages might seem particularly young but that’s just because we override biology and live our lives very different to what nature intended.  With many individuals living an ‘I’ lifestyle right up until their forties and not becoming ‘THEY’ motivated until their sixties.  Back when we lived an ‘animals’ existence that just wouldn’t have worked.  We needed to reproduce early so as to have the best chance for our and our offspring’s survival.

The problem is, that if you do not transition, life will no longer work for you.  You will no longer ‘fit’ the life you’ve created and lived in for so long.  You will feel lost and you will often feel trapped.  An example of this can be seen with many people’s experience of a ‘mid-life crises’.  I believe that it’s simply the call for a transition from a ‘WE’ state to a ‘THEY’ state.  People who have a crisis midlife generally go backwards looking for a way of being that worked (now that life seemingly isn't). They should look forward at becoming a 'THEY' but instead go back to 'I' solutions....the car, the clothes, young girls, the pool boy, clubbing etc. The subconscious only exists in its own experience so looks for a solution to the problem in its own experience not outside it's realm of experience which is where the solution actually is.

When it comes calling, embrace the oncoming of a ‘THEY’ phase in your life.  The clue in transitioning with ease (and for that matter dignity) is to become a contributor to your fellow man.  GIVE and GIVE big.  This is what nature wants and needs you to become.  It will set you free!

Once you understand where you are in your own personal evolution it should become clear why life is offering it’s various challenges.  However if you give some consideration of where others in your life are in their own phases then it will be easier to understand why you might be facing certain difficulties dealing with them.  The most common relationship difficulties I come across are those between parents and teens.  However, when it’s realised where the teen is in their own transformation it becomes apparent that the parent and the teen are operating from different phases.  The teen is in an ‘I’ phase but biologically being pulled into a ‘WE’ phase.  The parent is in the ‘WE’ phase but being pulled into a ‘THEY’ phase, both facing their own challenges.  One of the biggest issues is that we hold our children back relative to their biological development.  They are able to become parents themselves and are being massively motivated, through hormone release, to act in accordance with their biological development.  They are biological adults transitioning into the ‘WE’ phase of life but are held back into an ‘I’ lifestyle.  To this end the parent always seems frustrated with their teens total self-absorption and self-importance.  The Teen is equally misaligned with the parents desire for them to start thinking of others and helping out around the house for example.  The Teen also rebels against the parent who still insists on giving them an ‘I’ lifestyle.  The end result is massive confusion with neither really knowing what’s going on.

So in summary, the easier we accept the transitioning of life the easier life will feel.  The more we understand where we are in our development and those around us, the easier it is to communicate and appreciate each other.  Resisting the inevitable biological push to transition will cause discomfort and eventually crises.  Crises are the greatest harbingers of change and are an essential part of a life lead in resistance to change.  In short, life will create the necessary environment in order to get you through the required transition.  A life permanently lead in ‘I’ may deliver a magnitude of possessions and accomplishments but will often be ‘missing something’ and feel hollow and meaningless.  A life lead permanently in ‘WE’ may leave the individual feeling like they’ve lost themselves, i.e. their ‘I’ and that life lacks substance or meaning.  Anyone who resists transitioning may feel lost and often trapped.  A life lead in accordance with where you are in terms of your personal development and evolution will make sense and you will feel in the right place doing the right things. In the second halves of our lives we are called upon to contribute back and a life lead contributing to others will always give the greatest personal satisfaction and sense of meaning and purpose to being alive.

Finally, know that any confusion, frustration and discomfort during any transitional phase will pass and life will be better on the other side.  Relax and enjoy the journey and when the calling comes, embrace becoming a contributor and ‘giving back’.  When you’ve done all else, it’s where the greatest sense of purpose and fulfilment lies.

Happy evolving,

George

biggerbrighterbolder.co.uk

Can We Really Love Unconditionally?

According to Wikipedia, unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs.  We consider it as a given when we think of our children and certain family members. I love my dog unconditionally.  But what about the subject of each other, generally I mean.  Friends, partners, lovers, work colleagues, people in your street…. Is that even possible?  Surely, this is a type of love that’s saved for holy people and God.  Is it possible that us mere mortals, with all our hangs up and issues, could love each other unconditionally? 

  

I believe we can but I also believe it takes effort.  We were born with the ability to give and receive love unconditionally but for most of us we have been conditioned, through experience, observation and guidance, to be cautious and hold back.  All love starts with self love but we have experienced criticism and so doubt our own worthiness, our lovability and capacity for love.  So, we need to take steps to get ourselves back to place of giving and receiving unconditional love, and that takes effort.

Most of us have expectations about what love is and how it should be demonstrated, however these expectations limit our ability to truly experience it. Unconditional love seeks to understand, embracing the differences in how others express love.   When we focus on looking for the way in which people show their love it can surprise us just how much there is out there for us.

Unconditional love is a habit that can be developed. It’s something that I have had the opportunity to develop as a coach.  When you work so closely with people, you begin to understand that every action has a positive intention, that every behaviour makes perfect sense based on what was going on in that persons world at the time.  When you reach this level of understanding, of compassion, its hard not to feel that you unconditionally love your clients. 

Loving unconditionally does not mean compromising your standards.  You can feel compassion, understand, but still decide not to have that person in your life.  It’s your choice and you decide your standards.

To increase the amount of love you experience there are several methods that I highly recommend:

1.    Forgive – let go, release the past and move forward.  Forgiveness sets you free to experience love.  Be sure to remember to forgive yourself.

2.    Visualisation – focus your attention on your heart and imagine it as a glowing light of love.  Imagine that light growing and getting warmer as it expands through your body. Imagine that light extending outside of you and growing until it encompasses as far as you want to take it.  Intend to send love out to everyone you touch with the light. Practice daily.

3.    Look in the mirror, smile at yourself and say, “I love you unconditionally.” Practice daily.

4.    Hug someone. Practice daily.  J

"Love is considered the most basic emotion that human awareness can feel; therefore, it is the closest to the source of life. The burst of well-being you feel when you fall in love is due to the fact that you unconsciously open the channels of awareness that allow more Prana [Life Force] to flow." ~ Deepak Chopra

 Happy Valentines,

Tracey x