"It's Just a Story"

As many of you are already aware, I worked for a few years as a university lecturer teaching on BA Honours film degree courses.  As I saw it, my job was to inspire the students to push themselves to explore the limits of their technical and storytelling skills whilst in the supportive and safe environment of education.  I would challenge them to not play it safe and to dare to tell the best stories in the most engaging and compelling way.  After all, many would leave university and be restricted by client or studio remits so what better time to experiment and find ‘their voice’.

I’ve always been a lover of film; all film.  I have my favourites in many categories from shear entertainment to highbrow ‘connoisseur’ type films.  For me it’s about just a few things: am I engaged in the characters and the story, can I connect with the characters and story and finally do I get completely lost and absorbed in the whole experience.  Once a film achieves that, in whatever way the genre demands, then, for me, its job is done.

A good film, always starts with a good story.  There is real power in a good story, it has the power to allow us to reflect, challenge, learn, assess, grow or even heal.  A quality story will not do this obviously but will achieve its outcomes through careful and deliberate metaphors and the ‘takeaways’ from immersing ourselves in good stories can run deep and be life changing.

Storytelling is how we have always passed on wisdom and teachings

The reason stories can have a profound impact on us runs hand in hand with how I create huge life-changing seminar events for people.  It’s about the experience.  If the viewer, listener or reader of a story is having any form of chemical release (emotional experience) associated with what’s unfolding then their subconscious is learning.  As I’ve written before and talk incessantly about, the chemical releases we have create our entire experience, which we interpret as ‘reality’.  This means that if your subconscious is giving you any form of chemical ‘hit’ during the story, it isn’t ‘aware’ that it’s not real.  Chemical responses are there to prompt us to take physical action (our survival instincts) and unless the ‘thing’ we’re reacting to actually exists in the real world, the chemical reaction is redundant.  Good stories manipulate our subconscious to give us an experience, or to create an alternative ‘reality’.  If we are not fully engaged in the story or characters we will not be getting the same hit of chemicals and the impact of the story will be greatly reduced.  Conversely if we’re loaded up with chemical responses during the story we will have a profound experience and any message that is contained within the story will most likely have been absorbed into the subconscious.  Remember to create any deep change in us this is where the learning needs to hit.  Stories can engage the conscious mind to entertain but also stimulate the learning mechanisms of the subconscious to facilitate small or even large changes of personality, beliefs, behaviours or perspectives.

Next time you’re ‘having an experience’ from reading a good book or watching a great film take a moment to think about what’s going on in your mind and body.  Then think about what your subconscious is learning and how this learning effects personalities.  We are an accumulation of our experiences and leanings to this date.  We learnt through our experiences, whether they be direct, witnessed or taught to us.  What we read or view also constitutes our experiences and such moulds who we are.  Think about this the next time you’re watching a scary or violent film or maybe something depressing or stressful…your subconscious cannot disseminate whether what you are engaged in is real or not and will absorb the experience into it’s learning.  Is that really the experience you want to have?  Is that really what you want to teach you subconscious?  Is that really who you want to be?  Is that the world you really wish to inhabit?  A ‘dip’ into violence here or there or horror or sadness won’t hurt and can educate positively if done well but to constantly immerse oneself in negative experiences will create change in you just as it would if it was actually real.  The degree of impact of this will be determined by the degree of ‘experience’ had.  For example if you enjoy a good horror film and are entertained but are not having a negative emotional experience then the chances are little or no negative learning has taken place.  However if, like me, these film leave you unsettled for some time after or play on your mind, rest assured, you’ve had a negative experience and your subconscious is a little worse for it. 

I argue against that telling yourself ‘it’s just a story’ negates the negative psychological impact of some film and stories.  The determining factor is always going to be the experience you are having.  And as I’ve already said, I good story is the one where you are completely engaged and absorbed in it.  If you are aware you’re watching a film, it’s not a good film. If you’re aware you’re reading a book, it’s not a good book and ultimately if you ‘know it’s not real’, it’s not done its job.

As a final thought, nothing changes when applying the above to computer games.  I wish it wasn’t the case but everything I know tells me that what we watch, read or even play changes us in a manner associated with what we’re watching, reading, playing.  It’s possible the experience will show us a better of being but it also might be giving us a distorted, negative ‘reality’.  I think all stories are valid but as with anything in life, be aware of the experience you’re having and the associated learning your subconscious is doing and the possible resultant personality or belief changes that might be occurring.  We are here to experience as all experience is living.  My challenge to my students is to be clear about what experience they want their audience to have and what teachings or outcomes they wish to leave them with, all whilst entertaining.

I love a good story and I love great film and that’s why I’m delighted to be running the “Hollywood Experience”, 3-day summer film schools for kids this year.  The basis of the courses will be how to tell stories and then convert them into film and ascertain the impact their film will have on their audience.  The final films will vary in ‘quality’ and effectiveness but the learning they get will last with them as will the fun time they have.

If you would like more information on the summer film schools please visit:

http://www.biggerbrighterbolder.co.uk/HEX.html

How to train your teen!

Want to train your teen?

Ever wondered why your teens don’t understand you … and visa versa?

Something I hear a lot of from parents is how their kids, typically teens seem to not be able to communicate with them or be understood by them.

There are a number of reasons why parents and teens seemingly disconnect at certain times of their lives.  A lot of it comes down to what I sometimes refer to as the ‘I’, ‘WE’, ‘THEY’ phases of life.  I talked more in-depth on this in my recent blog post:
http://biggerbrighterbolder.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/it-pays-to-keep-up.html

In this post, I’ll specifically cover how these ‘phases’ of life affect the understanding and communication between parents and teens.

A quick overview of the I, WE, THEY phases I refer to follows…

i) We are born into an ‘I’ phase of life where everything is about the ‘I’. Nature intended this for the survival of the new born ‘I’ and don’t they just know it ;)

ii) Eventually the ‘I’ will give into biology, partner up and have it’s own ‘I’ at which point it becomes a ‘WE’ and enters the WE phase of life.

iii) Once the new ‘I’ becomes a ‘WE’ of it’s own, it outgrows the need for the ‘WE’ that went before. At this point the old ‘WE’ is somewhat redundant and is called upon by nature, in my opinion, to evolve into a ‘THEY’ phase where they are focussed on the wider group.

My crudely drawn sketch below illustrates what I’m getting at.

 

For the purposes of this article I want to focus on the relationship between parents and teens, the ‘I’s and the ‘WE’s.  The teen is in an ‘I’ phase of life although biologically being pulled into a WE phase.  As an ‘I’ the teen is focussed on themselves (their own survival as nature sees it).  As they approach their own ‘WE’ phase they unconsciously start to prepare to survive on their own.  Inherent to this is a ‘know it all’ disposition because if they didn’t have certainty in their lives they would have to admit uncertainty and thus vulnerability.  Evolution loves certainty, the more certain an individual is the more direct and committed they can act and thus they ‘safer’ they are…in evolution terms.  It’s essential that when ‘going it alone’ and setting up home as a new ‘WE’ that the individual feels ‘safe’ doing so.  This often infuriates the parents and demonstrates itself as an inability in the teen to listen to them or take advice, no matter how well meant it might be.

One mistake the parent often makes at this time is failing to see the mix of the ‘I’ phase and the certainty of the early ‘WE’ phase in their teen as anything other than selfishness and rudeness or unwillingness to listen, etc. Another mistake is not recognising that they as parents are also in the process of transitioning from a ‘WE’, all about the family unit phase and a ‘THEY’, all about everyone phase and expecting their children to feel and be the same as them because they are ‘growing up’.  The parent unreasonably expects the teen to think about others, pull their own weight around the house, show consideration for others needs and whilst doing ALL this, remain a respectful, obedient child (younger ‘I’).  It’s an impossible ask and dare I say it an ‘unnatural’ request.  The teen simply does not have the biological ability to function that.  They can’t express themselves or exert themselves in a way the later ‘WE’/’THEY’ would want them to.

There is safety in the pack and humans are no different.  The aging community is not where the teens physical safety lies (and at a biological level that’s all that matters).  It lies with the younger tribe, the next generation and they are called upon (biologically) to bond in these new groups which have huge influence and importance over them.  This group, annoyingly to parents, is their friends, girl/boy friends, etc.  This is why you teen listens and cares more about what their friends think that you.  Sorry but it’s just ‘safer’ historically that way.

The teen is all about them as it should be with a transition going on to be a ‘THEY’ with their own partners, offspring and friends.  The parent is a ‘WE’ all about the offspring and family unit and are transitioning to a ‘THEY’, all about the world or wider tribe at large.

These misunderstanding in the life phases and transitions between the two means many misunderstanding, miscommunications and battles occur between the teen and their parents and to some extend the world at large.

It’s not the teen’s fault.  Neither is it the fault of the parent.  However, in my opinion, it is the responsibility of the parent to acknowledge and understand what’s going on and to make the efforts to bring about the changes needed in the relationship between their teen and themselves.  After all, all being what it should be they will have evolved beyond their teen and the onus always lies with the more evolved to bridge the gap in any exchange or interaction as they have more tools, experience and understanding…hopefully.

 

So, hopefully, this goes someway of highlighting your awareness of what’s going wrong in your relationship with your teens.  The above in no means justifies poor behaviour by the teen or negates the responsibility of the parent to continue to shape, educate and prepare the teen to their best abilities.  It also doesn’t mean that the teen shouldn’t have responsibilities outside of the specific phase they’re in.  The above simply outlines, what I understand, is biologically and chemically going in both sets of individuals based on the millions of years of evolution which has kept our species ‘safe’.  As anyone who’s ever heard me speak will testify, what makes us truly human is our ability to choose to act in spite of biological and chemical factors in our make up.  The task of the parent is to first understand and then to communicate with the teen at the phase they are at and not be surprised when they don’t understand more later phase thinking and behaviour.  Your teen does have the capacity to act in a less ‘I’ way and be a more ‘WE’ or ‘THEY’ person through choice but to simply tell them they ‘should’ or that they are ‘wrong’ is not likely to be the route there.

As a last note of optimism to all you parents out there.  I have had the pleasure of coaching many younger people and teens and can honestly say that none of them, despite how awful their relationship has been with their parents, has been a ‘bad person’ or without the ability to be a ‘better’ (whatever that means) person.  In fact the teens I’ve coached get this easier and make changes faster than many adults I’ve coached because they are more pliable, open and still learning who they are and what life is about.  Many adults and parents are not so flexible and as such adapt more slowly.  Often much slower than their teens when I’ve worked with both side.

The answer as always, is in understanding and communication at a level where everyone is understood.

There’s so much more I could say and in upcoming blogs, I’m sure I will.

Until then, good luck with your teen ;)

George.

biggerbrighterbolder.co.uk