How to train your teen!

Want to train your teen?

Ever wondered why your teens don’t understand you … and visa versa?

Something I hear a lot of from parents is how their kids, typically teens seem to not be able to communicate with them or be understood by them.

There are a number of reasons why parents and teens seemingly disconnect at certain times of their lives.  A lot of it comes down to what I sometimes refer to as the ‘I’, ‘WE’, ‘THEY’ phases of life.  I talked more in-depth on this in my recent blog post:
http://biggerbrighterbolder.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/it-pays-to-keep-up.html

In this post, I’ll specifically cover how these ‘phases’ of life affect the understanding and communication between parents and teens.

A quick overview of the I, WE, THEY phases I refer to follows…

i) We are born into an ‘I’ phase of life where everything is about the ‘I’. Nature intended this for the survival of the new born ‘I’ and don’t they just know it ;)

ii) Eventually the ‘I’ will give into biology, partner up and have it’s own ‘I’ at which point it becomes a ‘WE’ and enters the WE phase of life.

iii) Once the new ‘I’ becomes a ‘WE’ of it’s own, it outgrows the need for the ‘WE’ that went before. At this point the old ‘WE’ is somewhat redundant and is called upon by nature, in my opinion, to evolve into a ‘THEY’ phase where they are focussed on the wider group.

My crudely drawn sketch below illustrates what I’m getting at.

 

For the purposes of this article I want to focus on the relationship between parents and teens, the ‘I’s and the ‘WE’s.  The teen is in an ‘I’ phase of life although biologically being pulled into a WE phase.  As an ‘I’ the teen is focussed on themselves (their own survival as nature sees it).  As they approach their own ‘WE’ phase they unconsciously start to prepare to survive on their own.  Inherent to this is a ‘know it all’ disposition because if they didn’t have certainty in their lives they would have to admit uncertainty and thus vulnerability.  Evolution loves certainty, the more certain an individual is the more direct and committed they can act and thus they ‘safer’ they are…in evolution terms.  It’s essential that when ‘going it alone’ and setting up home as a new ‘WE’ that the individual feels ‘safe’ doing so.  This often infuriates the parents and demonstrates itself as an inability in the teen to listen to them or take advice, no matter how well meant it might be.

One mistake the parent often makes at this time is failing to see the mix of the ‘I’ phase and the certainty of the early ‘WE’ phase in their teen as anything other than selfishness and rudeness or unwillingness to listen, etc. Another mistake is not recognising that they as parents are also in the process of transitioning from a ‘WE’, all about the family unit phase and a ‘THEY’, all about everyone phase and expecting their children to feel and be the same as them because they are ‘growing up’.  The parent unreasonably expects the teen to think about others, pull their own weight around the house, show consideration for others needs and whilst doing ALL this, remain a respectful, obedient child (younger ‘I’).  It’s an impossible ask and dare I say it an ‘unnatural’ request.  The teen simply does not have the biological ability to function that.  They can’t express themselves or exert themselves in a way the later ‘WE’/’THEY’ would want them to.

There is safety in the pack and humans are no different.  The aging community is not where the teens physical safety lies (and at a biological level that’s all that matters).  It lies with the younger tribe, the next generation and they are called upon (biologically) to bond in these new groups which have huge influence and importance over them.  This group, annoyingly to parents, is their friends, girl/boy friends, etc.  This is why you teen listens and cares more about what their friends think that you.  Sorry but it’s just ‘safer’ historically that way.

The teen is all about them as it should be with a transition going on to be a ‘THEY’ with their own partners, offspring and friends.  The parent is a ‘WE’ all about the offspring and family unit and are transitioning to a ‘THEY’, all about the world or wider tribe at large.

These misunderstanding in the life phases and transitions between the two means many misunderstanding, miscommunications and battles occur between the teen and their parents and to some extend the world at large.

It’s not the teen’s fault.  Neither is it the fault of the parent.  However, in my opinion, it is the responsibility of the parent to acknowledge and understand what’s going on and to make the efforts to bring about the changes needed in the relationship between their teen and themselves.  After all, all being what it should be they will have evolved beyond their teen and the onus always lies with the more evolved to bridge the gap in any exchange or interaction as they have more tools, experience and understanding…hopefully.

 

So, hopefully, this goes someway of highlighting your awareness of what’s going wrong in your relationship with your teens.  The above in no means justifies poor behaviour by the teen or negates the responsibility of the parent to continue to shape, educate and prepare the teen to their best abilities.  It also doesn’t mean that the teen shouldn’t have responsibilities outside of the specific phase they’re in.  The above simply outlines, what I understand, is biologically and chemically going in both sets of individuals based on the millions of years of evolution which has kept our species ‘safe’.  As anyone who’s ever heard me speak will testify, what makes us truly human is our ability to choose to act in spite of biological and chemical factors in our make up.  The task of the parent is to first understand and then to communicate with the teen at the phase they are at and not be surprised when they don’t understand more later phase thinking and behaviour.  Your teen does have the capacity to act in a less ‘I’ way and be a more ‘WE’ or ‘THEY’ person through choice but to simply tell them they ‘should’ or that they are ‘wrong’ is not likely to be the route there.

As a last note of optimism to all you parents out there.  I have had the pleasure of coaching many younger people and teens and can honestly say that none of them, despite how awful their relationship has been with their parents, has been a ‘bad person’ or without the ability to be a ‘better’ (whatever that means) person.  In fact the teens I’ve coached get this easier and make changes faster than many adults I’ve coached because they are more pliable, open and still learning who they are and what life is about.  Many adults and parents are not so flexible and as such adapt more slowly.  Often much slower than their teens when I’ve worked with both side.

The answer as always, is in understanding and communication at a level where everyone is understood.

There’s so much more I could say and in upcoming blogs, I’m sure I will.

Until then, good luck with your teen ;)

George.

biggerbrighterbolder.co.uk