Why You Do What You Do

I have to be honest that during and after the event we ran on 22^nd September I felt I had reached some kind of utopia in my role as coach, supporter, inspirer and empowerer (is that even a word..?!).  People were having breakthroughs all over the place!  There were tears, laughter, apprehension, determination and ultimately life changing experiences.  It was truly incredible to be a part of all that and I was buzzing for days afterwards.  It got me to wondering, if I was having such a good time doing what I was doing, why didn’t everyone do it?  I was curious as to what made it so perfect for me?  Why do I do the things I do?

Tony Robbins (one of my personal heros) talks about 6 basic human needs that we all need to achieve.  When these needs are all being met, we are a happy, fulfilled individual.  When they’re not, we will do pretty much anything to achieve them.  So what are they?

1.     Certainty – we all need to know that some things will remain the same regardless of what goes on.  Certainty in our life means survival.  Often called security or comfort we all need a level of it in our lives to feel safe.  As with any of these needs, the degree to which they’re important in our lives vary from one person to the next, but take a look around and see if you can identify those people who need a lot of certainty.  They’ve probably been in the same job for a long time, living in the same house, surrounded by the same people.  Control is another form on achieving a level of certainty.  Do you identify with wanting to control things…perhaps everything?

2.     Uncertainty – conversely, if everything in our lives was exactly the same every day we’d go mental.  We crave a degree of uncertainty, variety, surprise and we will do some very interesting things to get it.   There’s a delicate balance to be maintained between certainty and uncertainty.  Too much certainty we we’re bored and unfulfilled.  Too much uncertainty and we become fearful and anxious.  Mr Robbins mentioned once that the quality of your life is dependant on the level of uncertainty you can tolerate.  I had to think about this but I got what he meant.  One of my favourite quotes is by Anais Nin: “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” We generally don’t need courage in the face of certainty but the more uncertainty we are prepared to invite in, the more exciting (and scary) life gets.  Balance here is key.

3.     Significance – We all want to feel important; that we have some kind of meaning or purpose or that we are in some way unique from others.  As with all of these needs we can do both constructive and destructive things to meet them but the bottom line is we must meet them.  Think about what you do to feel significant or different.  For some its being the best at something or really excelling.  For others it can be creating or enhancing a problem or challenge.  Both can work perfectly to create significance but they don’t always make us feel goods about ourselves.  There is also a delicate balance between significance and the next one.  In order to be significant or unique we must separate ourselves in some way.

4.     Love and connection – Whether its connection with others or connection with yourself, its an essential need that must be met.  Whilst significance requires separation, this one requires the exact opposite so you get what I mean about balance again.  Think about when you were a child and what you were prepared to do to gain love and connection.  Think about how this now manifests in your life today.  We learn strategies at a young age to meet these needs and we go on using these strategies until they just don’t work for us any more.  (Then, hopefully, you go and talk to someone!)  Different people have differing definitions of what love and connection means depending on their experiences.  For some its being part of a healthy, functional, loving family.  For others its an abusive relationship.  Either way, the basic need gets met.

5.     Growth – We’re either growing or dying, there’s really nothing in between.  When we are learning, expanding, developing we feel fulfilled and that our life has meaning.

6.     Contribution – The underlying need that truly brings you joy is contribution.  When you have given something or done something that has made a difference in some way, either to you or someone else, there is a deep sense of joy and satisfaction that’s like nothing else.

I find that the first 4 of these needs become critical when they’re not met or out of balance.  I also find that people are generally pretty well practiced in meeting and balancing the first four.  The issue isn’t the ability to meet and balance them but the vehicle they choose to meet the need and whether its one that serves them in the long run.  The last two are generally what’s missing when they are feeling unfulfilled or aren’t sure what needs to change. 

When I looked back on that event, and actually coaching as a whole for me, it satisfies every single one of my 6 needs and my personal careful balance of those needs.  In the instance of the event, not only were they all perfectly balanced, they were all serving me and others in a very positive way so it was an all round winner.  I feel very fortunate that my job delivers this to me in bucket loads but it didn’t just land in my lap.  I worked towards it and I worked hard.

If things are feeling out of kilter for you at the moment, take a few minutes to think about whether these needs are being met and whether they are balanced for you.  Are you meeting these needs in ways that are nourishing and supporting you or have you developed habits of meeting these needs in other ways?  Think about the tasks or jobs you do currently and ask yourself how it meets each of these needs.  Which one of your needs isn’t currently being met?

Know that everything you do, good and bad, is done because of your innate need to meet one or more of these needs.  This is why you do what you do.  Now what would you like to change?

Tracey x